Batman - HUSH

Finished reading Batman Vol 1 #608 to #619 the HUSH story ark.
Some of the best Batman comics I have read in a while. I highly recommend them to any Batman fans out there. All the great Batman characters where in it. There was even a scene where Batman got to beat up on Superman a bit. Jim Lee's artwork was fantastic!

"If Clark wanted, he could use his superspeed and squish me into the
cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he's got
one big weakness. Deep down, Clark's essentially a good person... and
deep down, I'm not."
BATMAN

Cover art from Batman #619 by Jim Lee - ©DC Comics

United we Stand – Divided we Fall

United we Stand – Divided we Fall

  I told myself I would not get political on my blog when I started it years ago. I decided that I would post this article I've written because it is a topic that I have been thinking about a lot. I’ve been doing a lot of research as of late. Trying to wrap my mind around why America is so divided. Why the Left and the Right feel the need to pick a side and demonize one another. What is it that makes us feel so strongly? Why are we always fighting? Why is it the left calls the right a bunch of racist hypocrites while the right calls the left a bunch of useless parasites that are destroying the country? It is all kind of crazy when you step back and look at the big picture. I'm not a Lefty or a Righty. If I did have to give myself a label (stupid labels) I would say I’m a centrist with a leaning towards the left. My history teacher in High School used to tell me I was “the most conservative liberal” he ever met. I'm just a guy who is trying to look at the situation, dig up as much information as I can, so I can figure out what is going on. Right now things seem so insane and divided. I just don't understand why we can clearly see all the problems before us, Dept, Jobs, Tax code, healthcare, environment, yet we do not give our best efforts to figure this out together. Instead we choose to bicker among ourselves. Point fingers at each other. Live in our Fox News or MSNBC bubble. Only listen to our side, never really trying to figure out where the other side is coming from. We convince ourselves that we are on the good side and the other side is evil. It is counterproductive in my opinion. I just wish we could look at things from a more logical view. Put our beliefs aside just for a second and, make an effort to listen to what one another is trying to say. We all want to act like we are reasonable yet, we forget that part of reasoning is listing to those opposing views. To allow your ideas to be challenged is real reasoning. In science if you come up with a theory and the proof to back it up, you have better expect others in the scientific community to rip your proof apart and challenge your theory. That is how in the end we come to true reason. By letting others rip our belief system apart a little. It is one reason I like having discussions with people who oppose my views. I can learn something from these discussions. It helps me be more reasonable. The thing is you have to be open to being wrong. You have to be open to compromising. It upsets me when I hear politicians say that they are unwilling to compromise. If they can not find that middle ground then, they can not come to any solutions to our problems. Therefore they can not get anything done. I just wanted to express some of my views as I see them in this article. Some things that I think we feel strongly about but, when we look at a bigger picture, not from the left or right but, from the perspective of being American Citizens, we could find some common ground. You can feel free to rip what I’m saying apart. Please, when I hit a nerve or question your beliefs, explain to me why I’m wrong. I would really like to understand where you are coming from. I would also like to hear any ideas you have as to how we could get along better and, find some common ground.  Just keep the Bush and Obama bashing out of it. I don’t think saying one or the other is evil and trying to destroy the country is productive at all. Honestly I wish all our problems where the fault of one man. Then the solution would be so much easer. Here are some views of mine as to what issues the Left and the Right need to stop being so one sided about and have a real discussion.


The Right needs to stop being so Anti-Tax and the left needs to stop thinking that entitlements are sacred. The view on the right seems to be Less taxes. They are frustrated with the government wasting their money and giving tax dollars to those, as they see it, that have not worked to earn it. The right believes in hard work and being rewarded for your hard work. That seems reasonable to me. The right does need to understand however that taxation is a necessity in any society. Starving the beast that is our government will only hurt us all in the end. I agree we do need to add many reforms to the current system. The government is wasting a lot of our tax dollars. When you think about it the right’s view of taxation makes a bit of sense. Quit wasting our tax dollars! I agree with that but, don’t we need to fix the convoluted tax code? Why should middle class Americans Pay a higher percentage than some millionaires? I think we need to make a tax code that is simpler and fair. Even if it means raising someone’s taxes.
The left needs to stop coveting entitlements to the point where no one is allowed to touch them. Most of these programs need to be reformed. Welfare, Medicare, these entitlements can be reformed in a way that will save the tax payer money and, improve the quality of these programs. As far as welfare goes, why don’t we turn it into a jobs program? What if we helped someone who is down on there luck get re-educated? They can receive payments as long as they are willing to take a class to learn a new skill. Then we can get them back to work quicker so, they can be productive. Is this not something reasonable to both sides?  Is it not a way to keep the safety net in place (which I feel is important) while we make sure everybody is doing their part?

The right has to stop being blind to the fact that America has done things wrong when it comes to foreign policy, education, healthcare, ect.. America is not and has never been a perfect nation.  Our constitution states that we are trying to create “A more perfect union”. How can we work towards that goal if we think we are already perfect? American students rank 17th in the world. Our healthcare is ranked 37th in the world. We have fought wars in other nations that where not necessary. We have meddled in foreign affairs when we should have minded our own business. I would say that leaves a lot of room for improvement. I understand pride in our country. We should be proud of what we have accomplished in America. We should take pride in our homeland. Lets just keep in mind we can make it even better.
The Left needs to understand that America is still one of the better countries to live in. Have some pride in your country. Stop looking only at what America has done wrong. Every now and then would you please look at what America has done right? I just want to state, on a personal note, that it really upsets me to see people in the “occupy movement” deface our flag. Yes, you have the right to do it. Many Americans have fought and died to give you that right. I think you dishonor them every time I see a flag being burned, written on, stepped on, ect. I don’t think treating our flag in such a manner is a good way to show how much you care for America. It is hard to listen to you telling us how you would like to fix our country when I see that you are showing no respect for it. It is hard to take you seriously when you show no love of country.

The Right needs to stop believing capitalism unchecked is a perfect solution that will fix all of our financial problems. I think if 2008 showed us anything it is that the market unchecked can be very dangerous. The Free Market is great. It helped make America a prosperous country but, you have to realize, the free market seems to work its best when there are some checks and balances in place. I heard this great metaphor the other day. “The Free market is like a garden. It needs a little oversight and occasional tending to so, it can grow and be fruitful.” Capitalism without oversight is irresponsible. Human beings by our very nature can be greedy. Greed needs to be put in check. It is the sad truth’
The Left needs to stop thinking that the free market is bad. The free market has built this nation. Without it we would not have been able to build a strong middle class at all. Again, it comes down to oversight but, the left has to keep in mind not all oversight and regulation is beneficial. There are regulations in place that do restrain the growth of business is some areas. What we need to do is keep what works and, get rid of what does not work. Regulation when done right is good, when done wrong it is not so good. You would think that this is a simple thing to understand.



The Right needs to stop thinking that Government is all bad. I do understand the thinking behind a smaller, more efficient government. Unfortunately if we want to live in a society that gives everyone a fair shake you often times do need a government that is willing to keep things within that society in check. We became a Super Power by doing something very important. Our government decided a long time ago to invest in the education of our children. It  put in place the equal rights act, we built roads and bridges to connect our states making it easy to move goods from one coast to the other. Have we forgotten how important these things where? How fruitful it made or country? Government can be one of the great tools we use for building a better society. It has it’s role to play and we need to stop acting like it does not. It is the system we all use to make our voices heard and, try to make our country better for us as a collective. Another side note, It looks really hypocritical when you say that you want a smaller government yet, you think the government should control a woman’s reproductive rights, the government gets to say who gets to be married and who does not. The government gets to tell you if you can smoke pot (not that I want to)  or higher a prostitute (again I have no inclination to do that, just making a point here.) You want a smaller government till it conflicts with your moral beliefs. You can’t have it both ways. You want a nanny state or you don’t!
The Left needs to understand that government is not here to solve all of societies woes. I don’t think you understand how dangerous that way of thinking can be. A Government that is trying to create a utopian society always fails in the worst way. Take for example Karl Marx “communist manifesto”. On the surface it sounds like a good idea right? I perfectly fair and even society where we all do our part. Well, truth be told, that is not possible. When countries have tried communism it always fails. There has never been a perfect, fair, society in human history. Why? Because one factor is never taken into account, the human condition. Human beings can be lazy, greedy, power hungry. You will always have one guy working his butt off while another is doing as little as possible. It is just the way we are. Another thing that we fail to see when we are pining for a perfect and fair society is that you would need someone making sure everything is fair and perfect. You would need  some major oversight and control. You would need someone telling you what your role is, what you should be doing, what you should eat, what you can say. That is a slippery slope is it not? That would start infringing on your rights to be you. When you really stop and think about it is very scary. The Right hears the left cry for more fairness and it scares them that what the left is calling for is a Utopian Society. I don’t blame them for being frightened with that idea. Throughout history we have had societies crumbled because they gave to much power to their governments. They expected and depended on their governments to make everything perfect. The role of government should be to better society but not at the expense of infringing on the liberties of the people.

These are just a few of the major points I wanted to touch on. There are so many more but, I do not have the time to get into them. Most of this is just my views and thoughts. I am open to the fact that I’m full of crap and, totally have a messed up way of looking at things. Sometimes the hardest person in the world for us to truly understand is ourselves. We, including me, let our morals, and ego cloud our judgment. Our self perception is skewed by the picture we paint of ourselves and the way we want to project this image to others. We are imperfect! It is ok though, we are only human. I just don’t see any real progress in the future of America until we stop demonizing each other and start listening to each other in a manner of sincere understanding. Lets put our egos aside and really try to find our way back to the middle ground. After all, we are all in the same group. We are Americans. We need to remember that. We need to remember that for better or worse, we are all in this together.




Thanks for your time,
             Mark

My Little Secret…. Agoraphobia

I don’t know why I decided to write this now.  I guess I’m finally tired. Tired to the point where the judgment of others really won’t matter as much as it used to. I’m tired of damaging relationships with friends and family over this. I always worried that if I said anything I would be judged as being a weak person. I have been looked down upon many times in my life. I do not want to give others any reasons to look down upon me further.

    Those who know me think they know me well. They remember me raising hell. They remember me as being very social, going to parties, playing in bands. Truth is they knew me in the past. The person I have become is nothing like the person I was just a decade ago. Now I spend most days at home. Never answering the phone. Feeling paranoid when I hear a car go by, thinking it is pulling in the driveway.

    Back in 2001 I was diagnosed with agoraphobia. I thought the doctor was full of shit. I thought I was fine. Just didn’t like driving a car or, going to the store and waiting in line. As time went on, no matter how hard I would try to deny it, I had to come to the conclusion the diagnoses was correct.  I stopped answering the phone for fear someone calling would upset me. I stopped going on long car rides with my wife and kids. I started to miss out on a lot of things because I was afraid I would panic when I was out and do something stupid. The fear has kept me locked inside for the most part.

    Those friends and family that are reading this and did not know I was agoraphobic should not be too surprised. Remember all the times I freaked out when I was in a bad situation? I’ll bet you do. Was that normal behavior? I think not. It was easy to not care about these freak outs, panic attacks, whatever you want to call them, when I was younger. I would simply drown all fear in alcohol. When you have a buzz on you don’t feel fear.  Thing is with that, you do have to sober up and, when you do you have to come to terms with what an ass you where the night before. That is not the way I want to live, wasting away my life, numb and stupid. No, that is not a living at all. Unfortunately sobering up a decade ago made the issue worse. That is just something I have to deal with. Being a sober person is what I need to be. Not only for myself but also for my wife and kids. They deserve better than a drunk. Even if I’m agoraphobic at least I’m here clean and sober, to help them when they need me. A few years back the doctors tried doping me up with some Ativan and other medications. I stopped taking them for the same reason I stopped drinking. What good is living if you can’t feel anything? What good is making the pain go away if you can’t feel love? What good is being less anxious if nothing feels funny or sad? No, I don’t want to be stoned. I don’t want the drugs to calm me. I hate the drugs. I have no use for drugs that get you high either legal or illegal. I’ve seen to much destruction and heartbreak from drug use.

     I know over the past few years it may seem like I am being ignorant towards my friends. When you call I don’t answer the phone. When you invite me over I do not come.  All I can say is that I do understand why you would be upset with me. Just please do not take it personally. I rarely ever answer a ringing phone or go out. It just makes me really uncomfortable to do those things. I know it seems abnormal, hell I’m living through it and it often seems abnormal to me. It is the way things are for me. I have tried to fight through it but, in the end I always loose.

    I did not ask for things to be this way. Believe me, if I could make this all go away I would. This thing has not done me any favors or, given me a sense of pride. It has cut me off from doing a lot of things I would like to do but, have a hard time doing. I feel like a horrible father every time I miss out on going to the ocean with my family. It breaks my heart that I don’t do camp outs or, go to my sons scout meeting because I’m afraid I will do or say something stupid that will embarrass him. These are some of the things I think about. These thoughts upset me inside. I freak out. So, I just stay home and try to keep my mouth shut.

I always see the worst case scenario play out in my head. I see it as clear as I see reality. It makes me panic. So I avoid it all.

    Sometimes I beat up on myself. I tell my self I should be mentally tougher. I should not be so weak. But picture your worst fears. Imagine having to go through them all the time. That is not easy to brush off. We are all afraid of something. Agoraphobics feel all the same fears you do. We have the same thoughts go through our heads as you do. Just for us, we are super sensitive to them. We can not push them aside easily.

   Some of the things I do, or avoid doing, have more rational thought to them then one might think. Like my fear of driving a car. I rarely drive. I might get behind the wheel once or twice a month if I am feeling up for it. For the most part I don’t drive because of these panic attacks. My thinking is very rational here. I do not want to get behind the wheel of a ton of steel when I am having a panic attack. I become a danger to myself and, I become a danger to others on the road. So, as a courtesy I stay off the roads.

    Now some of you might know that once or twice a year I like to enter races. Running for me has become freeing. When you run ten miles you don’t worry about much more then trying to keep your breath. Yes, once or twice a year I will leave the house to go to the city. Sometimes Worcester or Springfield, two cities that I try to avoid like the plague.

They seem so unnatural to me. So over crowded.  Being agoraphobic does not always mean you never, ever, leave the house. In most cases agoraphobics leave the house but stick around areas we feel safe in. Every now and then, when I’m feeling good I can leave my safe zone and go do a race. Of course I do need someone to give me a ride. Also with these races I have people donate money to whatever charity I am running for. That helps me do it because I now feel a strong obligation to not let them down. I hate letting people down. Plus I like trying to dig up money for charities I believe in. The world is tough for a lot of people. All I have to do is show up and run a few miles to help others. That sounds like a win, win! Unfortunately I do not race as much as I would like to. My buddy Joshua used to invite me to races a lot, same with my friend Aaron. Most of the time I have to turn them down. I’m too embarrassed to tell them about my issue so, I usually dish out some lame excuse. In turn I do not get invited as much. I feel in the case of Joshua, I may have let him down on a few occasions. For that I feel very sorry.

    I hope this is not coming across as to whiny. That is not my intention at all. I am dealing with this the best I can. I am grateful that I have people in my life that are cool with all my quirkiness’.  I have an awesome wife who gets me, whom I love more than I can express. Without her understanding I would be so lost. She has earned my loyalty and affections. I’m very grateful I found someone so compatible that I can be so happy with. I have my kids that dispite my flaws look up to me. Sometimes I think my son thinks I am flawless.  I hope as he gets older he will understand that even Superman had to be Clark Kent sometimes. I have my home, my job. Even though working as a 3d figure creator doesn’t pull in a lot of money it is something I enjoy doing (most of the time). And I get to file my taxes as a small business. Even have to pay a small business tax because I’m looked at as an independent contractor. I mean how cool is that?(sarcasm)
   My wife has been so tolerant of my 16 hour work days the past few months. One of the negatives of working from home is it is hard to stop working when you are really getting things done. I will wake up at 5 most mornings, start working and not stop till 7 or 8 at night. I know it makes her worry sometimes but, she also understands my compulsion to do things right no matter what it takes.

     I just want to be clear what I have written about here. This is not me feeling sorry for myself. I do like myself even though I want to improve. This is a long overdue explanation as to why I have been so strange the past decade. Nothing more than that.

I’m Mark Holmes and, I am agoraphobic.

I’ve been saying this all along for those who have listened to the songs I have been composing for the past decade.

The Fear – 2000

“The fear inside, makes me want to hide from the world. The fear within has no beginning has no end.”

Release- 2000

“In the darkness I feel so alone, at least when I cry no one knows.”

Briefcase- 2003

“Are you so smart or, are you just afraid? Why do you hide yourself away?”

Driven – 2004

“Problematic and broken child. You’ve turned into something wild. Surrounding pressure from all sides. The highs and lows of emotional tides. I wish I could push it all away. I wish I could throw it all away.”

The Fallen – 2007

“I knew it in my mind. I need a little time. Time to find my way. To a brighter day. Did I hurt you again? I’m so sorry my friend. I’m not myself right now. These walls a crashing down.”

Outsider – 2009

“There was a time when I could believe. Not long ago I saw a forest through the trees. I tried to see things a little differently. It’s not easy when the world comes down on me.

Everyone’s around I’m suffocating, lets solute this plastic nation, point your finger at the sinner, I’m the looser you’re the winner. ”

Hatchet Brain – 2010

“Do I know you or am I the stranger here? Is it paranoia or just my inner fear? I’m alone in a crowd so I hide my face. Today I can’t run in the human race.”

Those Birds, Birds, Birds.......

  First off let me start by adding a little context as to why I'm posting all these bird pictures. A few days ago I was reading a thread on Mr. Peter Laird's blog where he posted a picture of a cardinal outside his window. On that thread I told Mr. Laird my story about a wounded cardinal I found this past fall. I wanted to share with him a picture I took of the wounded cardinal in my hallway. I picture that I really enjoy every time I look at it. For those of you that are not familiar with Peter Laird he is one of the co-creators of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Being a fan of the turtles is what first attracted me to his blog but, I have been following it for over a year now because I find Mr. Laird to be a most interesting fellow. After reading so many of his blog post I have come to appreciate his view of the world. A view I can often times get a peek into through his photography. He seems to carry a camera with him often, capturing the things he finds interesting or beautiful. (One time Mr. Laird even snapped a picture of my family when we where visiting Northampton. I'm not saying we are beautiful or interesting, even though we are, I think we where just in a particular shot he was trying to get.) As usual I am rambling on a bit as I do. Let me recommend his blog to you. http://plairdblog.blogspot.com/ There is a lot of cool and interesting post you can check out!
Now, on to birds!
   While searching for pictures of my cardinal friend  I came across a ton of pictures of  birds around my house. Pictures from the past couple years. I have so many pictures I had to widdle them down to just my favorite ones. I figured I would share my favorite ones here.

   First off my cardinal friend. This was a cardinal I found in my yard this past fall. His flight feathers on his left wing where missing. I took him in and took care of him till he regained is ability to fly. Here he is in my hallway before he could fly. I love the little attitude he was having in the first picture. He did not want to get in the cage that day and was throwing a little tantrum. Eventually he hopped up into his cage but, only after giving me an earful. I ruined his playtime.

Here is a picture I took of him this morning, Jan 20 1012. He seems to be thriving this winter. Looks like he even managed to put on some weight. His feathers have grown in nice and thick. I wonder if that is what is making him look so chunky or, if it is too much black oil sunflower seeds. Anyhow, it is good to see him doing so well. Sometimes I even see a female cardinal out there with him. She is a lovely bird as well. I will have to get a picture of her and share it when the opportunity presents itself.

Lets move on to some of my other bird pictures!

Every spring the same to humming birds come back to our house. If I forget to fill their feeder they will actually fly right up to me and yell at me. They are not shy birds in the least.

Here are the golden finches. We see them all summer eating Black Oil Sunflower seeds from the feeder and, hanging out in our peach tree. I was lucky and snapped a shot of the Golden finch sharing the feeder with a ruby throated woodpecker.

This is a cool one. We get a lot of wild turkeys in this area. I see them literally walking the streets when I'm out for a run. On this day one was taking a walk through our yard when, I grabbed my camera and snapped a shot of him. He was a big one!

This is one of my favorite birds to see in the yard. He is a Rose-breasted Grosbeak. He is a very hardy bird and, he is very sociable. There have been many occasions when I have stood out there and talked to him. He would just chirp back without getting scared or, flying off.

This here is a tit. I'm not sure what kind of tit exactly. Perhaps someone more knowledgeable could enlighten me. Whatever kind of tit he is, he is cute! I love these little guys.

This right here is what my Wife and I have been calling the scuttle bird. We call him that because he scuttles up and down or telephone poll that the feeders hang on. Just recently after doing some research I found that his true name is White Breasted Nuthatch. My wife pointed out to me that even though we know the scientific name for this bird we will always call him the scuttle bird!

This one is a Morning Dove I believe. We see him all the time walking around the yard or, perched on the power lines running to the house. He is usually accompanied by his mate. This is a rare shot of him alone. He must of needed some "Me Time".

Here is a bird that I have never seen in New England till I moved into my house. The rare Baltimore Oriole. When I first encountered this bird I was amazed at how brightly orange he, and his mate are.  I did not even know it was an Oriole because I have never seen one in person before. Every spring He and his mate come to nest in the Apple tree in our front yard. (You can sort of see him in the apple tree in the first picture). My wife and I where so excited to have Orioles that my wife purchased a Oriole feeder. They never used it. They seemed to like the humming bird feeder more. The humming birds where not to pleased with that.


Well, I think that is enough for now. I hope you enjoyed what I put up! After looking at all these bird pictures I have on my hard drive I have come to the conclusion that, taking pictures of birds might be a hobby of mine. I hobby I did not realize I had. I'm looking forward to seeing my bird friends return in the spring of 2012. Hopefully there will be some new ones with them. Till then, I always have my cardinal friend to take pictures of.

Enter the ZBrush

I love ZBrush! I haven't touched it in the past couple of years. Last time I tried to use it I just ended up really frustrated. I installed it because someone was saying my Michelle figure was causing zbrush to crash so, I had to check it out. It was weird. It all just clicked in my head. One of those eureka moments I suppose. I was importing sculpting and exporting within minuets of installing the application.  Not saying I was sculpting good, just saying I was able to use the tools and navigate through the interface without being confused. I have to say, ZBrush is very addictive. I can't stop sculpting all my old models!

Little Mummy

My latest figure for RDNA. Every Halloween I like to do a freebie. I'm pretty happy with this one. He is fun, and I'm sure people will enjoy him. I only spent a couple days modeling and texturing him.  He has a lot of personality. I like that!

Brute Finished

After weeks I have finally finished working on my Brute figure. Here is the finished product.