My Little Secret…. Agoraphobia

I don’t know why I decided to write this now.  I guess I’m finally tired. Tired to the point where the judgment of others really won’t matter as much as it used to. I’m tired of damaging relationships with friends and family over this. I always worried that if I said anything I would be judged as being a weak person. I have been looked down upon many times in my life. I do not want to give others any reasons to look down upon me further.

    Those who know me think they know me well. They remember me raising hell. They remember me as being very social, going to parties, playing in bands. Truth is they knew me in the past. The person I have become is nothing like the person I was just a decade ago. Now I spend most days at home. Never answering the phone. Feeling paranoid when I hear a car go by, thinking it is pulling in the driveway.

    Back in 2001 I was diagnosed with agoraphobia. I thought the doctor was full of shit. I thought I was fine. Just didn’t like driving a car or, going to the store and waiting in line. As time went on, no matter how hard I would try to deny it, I had to come to the conclusion the diagnoses was correct.  I stopped answering the phone for fear someone calling would upset me. I stopped going on long car rides with my wife and kids. I started to miss out on a lot of things because I was afraid I would panic when I was out and do something stupid. The fear has kept me locked inside for the most part.

    Those friends and family that are reading this and did not know I was agoraphobic should not be too surprised. Remember all the times I freaked out when I was in a bad situation? I’ll bet you do. Was that normal behavior? I think not. It was easy to not care about these freak outs, panic attacks, whatever you want to call them, when I was younger. I would simply drown all fear in alcohol. When you have a buzz on you don’t feel fear.  Thing is with that, you do have to sober up and, when you do you have to come to terms with what an ass you where the night before. That is not the way I want to live, wasting away my life, numb and stupid. No, that is not a living at all. Unfortunately sobering up a decade ago made the issue worse. That is just something I have to deal with. Being a sober person is what I need to be. Not only for myself but also for my wife and kids. They deserve better than a drunk. Even if I’m agoraphobic at least I’m here clean and sober, to help them when they need me. A few years back the doctors tried doping me up with some Ativan and other medications. I stopped taking them for the same reason I stopped drinking. What good is living if you can’t feel anything? What good is making the pain go away if you can’t feel love? What good is being less anxious if nothing feels funny or sad? No, I don’t want to be stoned. I don’t want the drugs to calm me. I hate the drugs. I have no use for drugs that get you high either legal or illegal. I’ve seen to much destruction and heartbreak from drug use.

     I know over the past few years it may seem like I am being ignorant towards my friends. When you call I don’t answer the phone. When you invite me over I do not come.  All I can say is that I do understand why you would be upset with me. Just please do not take it personally. I rarely ever answer a ringing phone or go out. It just makes me really uncomfortable to do those things. I know it seems abnormal, hell I’m living through it and it often seems abnormal to me. It is the way things are for me. I have tried to fight through it but, in the end I always loose.

    I did not ask for things to be this way. Believe me, if I could make this all go away I would. This thing has not done me any favors or, given me a sense of pride. It has cut me off from doing a lot of things I would like to do but, have a hard time doing. I feel like a horrible father every time I miss out on going to the ocean with my family. It breaks my heart that I don’t do camp outs or, go to my sons scout meeting because I’m afraid I will do or say something stupid that will embarrass him. These are some of the things I think about. These thoughts upset me inside. I freak out. So, I just stay home and try to keep my mouth shut.

I always see the worst case scenario play out in my head. I see it as clear as I see reality. It makes me panic. So I avoid it all.

    Sometimes I beat up on myself. I tell my self I should be mentally tougher. I should not be so weak. But picture your worst fears. Imagine having to go through them all the time. That is not easy to brush off. We are all afraid of something. Agoraphobics feel all the same fears you do. We have the same thoughts go through our heads as you do. Just for us, we are super sensitive to them. We can not push them aside easily.

   Some of the things I do, or avoid doing, have more rational thought to them then one might think. Like my fear of driving a car. I rarely drive. I might get behind the wheel once or twice a month if I am feeling up for it. For the most part I don’t drive because of these panic attacks. My thinking is very rational here. I do not want to get behind the wheel of a ton of steel when I am having a panic attack. I become a danger to myself and, I become a danger to others on the road. So, as a courtesy I stay off the roads.

    Now some of you might know that once or twice a year I like to enter races. Running for me has become freeing. When you run ten miles you don’t worry about much more then trying to keep your breath. Yes, once or twice a year I will leave the house to go to the city. Sometimes Worcester or Springfield, two cities that I try to avoid like the plague.

They seem so unnatural to me. So over crowded.  Being agoraphobic does not always mean you never, ever, leave the house. In most cases agoraphobics leave the house but stick around areas we feel safe in. Every now and then, when I’m feeling good I can leave my safe zone and go do a race. Of course I do need someone to give me a ride. Also with these races I have people donate money to whatever charity I am running for. That helps me do it because I now feel a strong obligation to not let them down. I hate letting people down. Plus I like trying to dig up money for charities I believe in. The world is tough for a lot of people. All I have to do is show up and run a few miles to help others. That sounds like a win, win! Unfortunately I do not race as much as I would like to. My buddy Joshua used to invite me to races a lot, same with my friend Aaron. Most of the time I have to turn them down. I’m too embarrassed to tell them about my issue so, I usually dish out some lame excuse. In turn I do not get invited as much. I feel in the case of Joshua, I may have let him down on a few occasions. For that I feel very sorry.

    I hope this is not coming across as to whiny. That is not my intention at all. I am dealing with this the best I can. I am grateful that I have people in my life that are cool with all my quirkiness’.  I have an awesome wife who gets me, whom I love more than I can express. Without her understanding I would be so lost. She has earned my loyalty and affections. I’m very grateful I found someone so compatible that I can be so happy with. I have my kids that dispite my flaws look up to me. Sometimes I think my son thinks I am flawless.  I hope as he gets older he will understand that even Superman had to be Clark Kent sometimes. I have my home, my job. Even though working as a 3d figure creator doesn’t pull in a lot of money it is something I enjoy doing (most of the time). And I get to file my taxes as a small business. Even have to pay a small business tax because I’m looked at as an independent contractor. I mean how cool is that?(sarcasm)
   My wife has been so tolerant of my 16 hour work days the past few months. One of the negatives of working from home is it is hard to stop working when you are really getting things done. I will wake up at 5 most mornings, start working and not stop till 7 or 8 at night. I know it makes her worry sometimes but, she also understands my compulsion to do things right no matter what it takes.

     I just want to be clear what I have written about here. This is not me feeling sorry for myself. I do like myself even though I want to improve. This is a long overdue explanation as to why I have been so strange the past decade. Nothing more than that.

I’m Mark Holmes and, I am agoraphobic.

I’ve been saying this all along for those who have listened to the songs I have been composing for the past decade.

The Fear – 2000

“The fear inside, makes me want to hide from the world. The fear within has no beginning has no end.”

Release- 2000

“In the darkness I feel so alone, at least when I cry no one knows.”

Briefcase- 2003

“Are you so smart or, are you just afraid? Why do you hide yourself away?”

Driven – 2004

“Problematic and broken child. You’ve turned into something wild. Surrounding pressure from all sides. The highs and lows of emotional tides. I wish I could push it all away. I wish I could throw it all away.”

The Fallen – 2007

“I knew it in my mind. I need a little time. Time to find my way. To a brighter day. Did I hurt you again? I’m so sorry my friend. I’m not myself right now. These walls a crashing down.”

Outsider – 2009

“There was a time when I could believe. Not long ago I saw a forest through the trees. I tried to see things a little differently. It’s not easy when the world comes down on me.

Everyone’s around I’m suffocating, lets solute this plastic nation, point your finger at the sinner, I’m the looser you’re the winner. ”

Hatchet Brain – 2010

“Do I know you or am I the stranger here? Is it paranoia or just my inner fear? I’m alone in a crowd so I hide my face. Today I can’t run in the human race.”